understand

I have been told that  more than likely I  suffer from ptsd.The reason being is that my formative years as a child I lived in a war zone.that warzone was in my house…The place where i was to feel safe and nurtured.I think it really fucked me up. That was when I started to fear going home,I had more fun at school ,who in grade 4,wants to be at school?.So I think this  helps me to explain ?Why I seemed to think differently than other people,react to stress and other emotions,differently,run to the fire so to speak,other than away from it…crave the rush of adrenaline..the scared crying little child hiding in the closet not wanting to leave the warmth or cover..needing that rush to feel alive…to feel real?   

I always have taken full responsibility for my actions.I was told that is what a man does.I have always carried the guilt of my failed relationships and my habit of running from responsibilities.I have always considered myself to be completely  at fault and the full cause of  these failures/disasters. I have always thought of myself as sane and rational,but doesn’t every crazy person say this?

I am now prepared to admit that I may have had some emotional /developmental problems in my past.This is very hard for me,yet explains some stuff…My quickness to anger,over nothing..My desire to strengthen  my body and  master Boxing ,so no one could ever hurt me again.My failure in most cases to make the right descion.. It fucks with you a little more every year  .When after every thing you try… you still fail.You always seem to make the wrong choice or no choice…I cant believe that for the better part of my life I have been living with this guilt,and it has been fucking me up more and more over time…I want to stand up and scream to the world that i wasnt given a fair start.Like all you other lucky bastards that did not have to watch your mother get stabbed in the leg when you were supposed to believe in Santa claus…Its not my fucking fault I couldnt make rational descions.That I didnt know my first kids mother was banging my uncle every weekend I drove there lol..Ican laugh now..What else can she do to me…Oh yeah Sue me for child support for a kid that wasnt mine….See how trusting I was ..All of a suden she wants to move back to Alberta..Wow miraculously pregnant too…coincidence? sure…

the beginning

I heard once that  if you write all of your life experiences down you can start to heal yourself..I think I will start then. mainly because there are innocent people in my life that don’t need to be feeling any of my pain,because that’s what happens,it just gets transferred from yourself and displaced  as anger and frustration on the  people who are closest to you. They are usually the ones you love the most.Your family,your kids ,your spouse.So that is the main reason that I am setting out on this here journey of self exploration and on a side note I will be exploring the medicinal  effectiveness of ginkgo Gilboa,for memory enhancement ,because I know there are some obscure thoughts and perceptions kicking around in there… that I just can’t seem to find.

My first few years I guess were not so great.My Dad only lasted about 2 years married to my mother.I guess he was a little bad at keeping it in his pants,as my little old grandmother use to say.God bless her.So, some of the early memories I had of school were of myself being teased because I did not have a Dad at home,because back in the early seventies there were still some social taboos, and being a single mother was one of them.I always heard the other mothers talking shit about my mom, whispered crap .mostly because they were jealous ,She was a looker back then. I remember as a young kid like 5 or 6 ,walking with her on the street and out of nowhere she would get cat called or wolf whistled.. and this was all the time too, not just once.After all it was the swinging seventies, no political correctness around.the saying probably did not even exist .

So …warp ahead now a few years.I am 9 years old my Brother Donnie,was 18 months younger ,so you do the math.My Mom had some loser boyfriend who was in jail .She goes to St.. Leonard’s society,kind of like John Howard’s for some program to help with incarcerated people and their families.Stuff like reintegrating in society, social programs and shit like that.Well she starts dating some guy she meets  from the office,I don’t find out til years later, he is a life long cat burglar who must not have been that “catlike” in his movements because he was also an ex con,lifelong 20 years alltogether.He was  originally from California and started out at the California Youth Authority,I still remember how he used to sound all proud in his story telling,his criminal escapades ,

Ah peaking your interest? An ex con from California in the picture now,that can’t be good ?Well if that’s what you were thinking ,you were correct .It wasnt good.That man was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic (thank god for spell check).So you know that made life very interesting to say the least. I know that I can’t blame all of my problems on this mofo ,whom we will call Dick from now on ,because he was.But I am sure that he had something to do with my exciting and somewhat adventurous life experience.Just from the fact that he was in my life for those formative years ,you know teenager b.s. and all that .i was looking for a role model and my Dad was not in the picture til later on. So I guess I used this idiot … I did not know any better.

Well this Dick was good .He convinced my mother that it was a great idea to pack up the whole family,which now included my 6 month old sister,and move to British Colombia.Well this is classic abusive man behaviour ,isolate and control.My Mom was isolated and she was controlled.She had no friends or family ,no one to confide in at all.thats when the abuse started happening.I remember the occasional smack in the head that she received,or push or shove.I started to speak up,i was a mouthy little fucker.He didnt like that .so i would catch the shit then,same thing smack,kick or get yelled at, thrown down etc..But the worst thing was the lectures ..I swear to God for 30 to 60 minutes straight. no fucking lying.thats when I learned to tune people out but still  identify the  change in intonation when he was asking me a question  . so I could snap out of it and give some bullshit answer so he thought i was paying attention, if i answered some of those  truthfully,i would get beaten even more .So I never answered him.This infuriated him even more..lol Got me smacked around sometimes .But he was usually so exhausted from his fucking lecture ,that he just left me alone…

 

alone

I was there, alone with my thoughts
perusing the crowd, connecting the dots
A few of you wonder,what’s this all about?
just leave me alone go live with your doubt.

An open window, which soon leads to ruin
A person you care for, who dies too soon
wherever you are, it’s all still the same
you will never win,if you dont play the game

Dont sit back on your heels, watch it all go around
while you stay very still, never making a sound
in this world where you need, to be loud and clear
just talking, not doing, proves  it’s all out of fear

Failing again, cause that’s what you do
never giving a shit cause you feel like it’s through
just go through the motions of acting the role
when deep down inside you feel 7 years old

Filled full of fear and running for cover
Is how you feel when you love another
giving yourself to them with no guard in place
Is not easy to do and you never feel safe

Yet I do that with you and relish the pain
when you stomp right down on my heart again
please baby please, give me have some more
I need to feel again I am an emotional whore

Given away but never for free
always something you can do for me
open those eyes lets have a look
is that my soul? is that’s what you took!

Been looking for that for many a year
quite given up,  it was never too dear
just too much maintenance, that’s not for me
thought… i might as well let it roam free

But i see you have captured, held it at bay
to barter and bargain with, some other day
yet i am sure it is useless not worth a dime
been broken for too long, pain lasts a long time

so i will stop whining being a drama king
but can you do me one favor one tiny thing?
i can handle the love vs hate they’re one in the same
please be on my side if i’m losing the game